By Katherine Allen
UF/IFAS Suwannee County Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Agent
If there is one thing my family disagrees about, it is politics. Disagreements are inevitable and very often healthy. However, our recent democratic system is increasingly polarized, and we see on TV where violence is escalating. Although I don't believe our family would ever come to blows, with the holidays coming up, the focus needs to be on the wonderful food and memories that we have shared, rather than the confusion and hurt that can arise when talking about very personal issues. During family gatherings, the emotional stakes are higher, family members tend to know each other's triggers and have a tendency not to extend to family the "politeness" we show others.
I love my family, even when I don't like or believe what they believe. I do, however, believe in love and relationships first. If you know me, then you know that I love to participate in the conversation. In the last few years, I have learned the importance of listening. REALLY listening. I first came across an exercise in a class I was taking. The activity had you listening to another person explain their view on a given topic for two to three minutes. During that time, I couldn't interrupt or interject…just listen. It was harder than at first it appeared on the surface, because I found myself wanting to respond to something that was said. It made me realize that many times what I was trying to convey really wasn't pertinent to the conversation.
Some of the ground rules (besides no interrupting) included: Be open and curious to learning. Enjoy hearing all points of view. Maintain an attitude of exploration. Try to understand, not convince or persuade.
Don't judge. Refraining from judgement opens you up to learning and makes your conversation partner feel recognized and respected.
Acknowledge feelings. Family members may have very personal experiences that shape their attitudes toward a topic.
Refrain from formulating a response or rebuttal. If you are thinking about what you will say, then you are not listening to their complete message.
Concentrate on the conversation and the speaker. Refrain from multi-tasking.
Good listening methods can be contagious, but old habits die hard. Listening is a skill that is learned through practice. So, making a conscious effort to focus on some of the rules (like not becoming distracted) can improve your listening. If you find you are talking more than listening, name-calling political leaders, or overgeneralizing ("they ALWAYS"), you may want to take a step back. If the conversation becomes overheated, taking a break (walk, change activity or change of subject) may help. Two phrases that might help include: "Our relationship will always be more important to me than our differences," and "I feel bad when we argue. Let's stop for now."
Research points to the role of listening in producing positive interactions. For example, listening reduces uncertainty. It helps with comprehension and retention of a speaker's message. Effective listeners generally cast more positive impressions (and are perceived to be more trustworthy), understanding and socially attractive. When people feel that you are listening to them and interested in what they have to say, you may find that you have more shared or common values than at first glance. Listening is the way to understand another's life and their life events. Without listening we cannot access experiences and beliefs that are different from our own. Listening helps us practice loving and connecting with our loved ones, even if we don't agree with what they believe.
UF/IFAS Extension is an Equal Opportunity Institution. Katherine can be reached at the local office in Live Oak at (386) 362-2771 or nrgkate@ufl.edu.
